The Last Piece...but not really

It's been a while since my last post. Today the tow truck came to pick up Elaine's car to bring to her dad, so that he can sell it. It was not in my name, it was in Elaine and her dad's, so it created all sorts of stress and paperwork for power of attorney/DMV/registration while I was trying to take care of the sale on my end.  I thought it best to just have Elaine's dad take over since its in his name anyways, and he won't run into the same problems I have been.  Here is the picture I saw of it leaving-the last time I will see it, the last physical reminder of someone-their car.  The car that she had and loved driving. The car that she used driving to and from La Crescenta and Irvine when we first started dating up until we got married.  The car that she used to go to and from her weddings and gigs for E2 Beauty.  Her car, a car she spent a lot of time in.  And living in SoCal, we know that is essential if you have a busy schedule.  The last piece...but not really.

I realize there are many pieces of the puzzle that I still don't understand, and I don't think I ever will.  The puzzle that is the last 7-8 years of my life.  How I sometimes feel regret for even pursuing a relationship with her - that those last 7-8 years are years that I will never get back.  Years that I invested my time in and sacrificed for someone. Those are years that maybe I could have met someone else, started a family with, even had kids with who were going to be entering kindergarten soon.  Kids that would be playing with my nephews when my sister visits this year.  Kid's that I will have celebrated their birthdays and experienced the joy that comes with all of that. But I am left with the aftermath of it all.  No wife, no kids, and a future that was expected, is no more. A future that is very uncertain at this point as far as a family is concerned.  I wish I had something positive to say in this paragraph, or some glint of wisdom I've gotten, but I don't right now-this is where I sit.

I still believe in God, but am still angry with Him.  Still haven't gone back to church and not sure how that will look when I do decide to go back.  I think about how awkward it will be when people stand up for worship, and I'll feel obligated to stand, but will probably just put my hands in my pockets and pretend to sing, if I open my mouth at all.  A good friend of mine once shared with me how his dad said you shouldn't sing the words if you don't actually believe in what they say. I think about how I will be analyzing everything the pastor says and cross referencing it with my tragedy to see if things line up and make sense.  I want to believe that God still loves me, but right now, this is hard to believe or fathom-when I look at what has happened. Sure, people have been inspired and moved by Elaine's life, but at the cost of my own happiness, the cost of my future as I hoped it would be. This is something I will be struggling with for quite a while.

Oh, and I've also decided to try dating again.  To see what is out there.  To see what I like, and don't like.  What are things that are turn offs? To just have a fun time and flirt with someone who is interested and flirts back.  And importantly, to see if there is something more.  I also realize I have a right to be picky.  To be selective about who I date, what they look like, what they like to do.  I've met some really cool women that I click with and have met some others that I just wasn't quite interested in.  Oh, and let me tell you, technology and dating is so interesting these days.  There are so many different ways to meet people now than ever before.  All sorts of social norms have been created as a result and I am figuring them out as I go. I am learning about what I like and what I don't like, and try to take each experience for what it is-an experience that teaches me about myself and what my needs are. All this to say, it took me to a point through a lot of therapy and self-reflection to realize that I need to practice self-care.  I need to "do you" and do things that make me happy, and also I have a right to be happy and enjoy everything that comes with dating and eventually marriage again.  This is my timing and mine alone and part of me moving forward. I wonder what I will learn next about myself.

Two Months

Today is two months exactly from when I came home from work during that stormy night and found my wife.  Two months have passed, and quite a lot has happened since then. 

I have had to deal with insurance companies, leasing offices, credit card companies, FAFSA, Verizon, to name a few.  Still taking steps to be able to sell off Elaine's car and get it out of my parent's driveway.  My home was upended-I am no longer the head of household, but living in the same living situation when I was a teenager and in my early 20s.  I have gone through all of the difficulty and emotion of selecting a plot, ordering a grave marker, and all of the decisions that come along with that.  I have had my community come around me and support me financially and with their time and gifts. I have been through intensive group therapy, learned much about cognitive behavioral therapy (I encourage you to look this up as I feel EVERYONE can benefit from this), and a bit about dealing with stress at work.  I have met with a lot of people, some new relationships, and some old relationships.  I've developed some new healthy habits and on a lot of the days, struggled to make sure I am making the best use of my time.  Every day is a bit different and I still feel like I am navigating through uncharted waters.  I had mentioned Chris before who I met at the support group, the other widower.  He is my similar age who lost his wife six months ago.  Tonight, he and I met for drinks and appetizers.

It was a very refreshing experience to meet with someone who is going through the same exact feelings as I am-well about as close as you can get to the same exact feelings.  We met at the suicide survivor support group a few weeks ago and we were talking about how even with the people there, it is somewhat difficult to relate.  I think tonight was a breath of fresh air for both of us.  We talked a lot about guilt and the what-ifs and we both realize that hindsight is 20/20.  My therapist told me to tell myself every day these words - "I did the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time."  And I try to tell myself that constantly, especially when feelings of guilt come up.  

Chris and I talked about moving forward, and how we both feel an empty void that our wives used to fill How a lot of my insecurities were overcome in large part to my wife.  How each of us feel bleh in terms of questioning all of our big decisions we have made.  

We also talked about dating.  We talked about how does that look for us.  Will we compare our late wives to the current person we are pursuing? What is our timeline for getting married again?  How will women view us as widowers?  Will they judge us for the fact that our wives died by suicide? Will we be less desirable?  I had a conversation with my dad a few weeks back.  Chris and I are both in our mid 30s and my dad talked about the three situations a "single" guy might be in at this age.  If they are divorced, it begs the question "why?"  If they are single and never married it begs a similar question, "why not yet?" But for the widower, its more of "he had no choice in his singleness."  I think for me at least, this brings me some relief and even more so, Chris added that women could potentially view this as a benefit since they know we can be in a successful long-term committed relationship, and we both were, up until "death do us part." We both agree that it will take time and a very special person to come our way that can not necessarily empathize with us, but be understanding and embrace what each of us have gone through.

We also talked about how difficult of a time we are having in our faith right now.  We both struggle when we go to church and try to listen to a sermon.  Personally, I am looking for some connection to what happened to Elaine, but there never seems to be one.  It is a feeling of doubt that is difficult to explain.  I feel that both Chris and I are in similar places, trying to understand the overall "why?" in both of our wives' passing.

We also shared about how setback in our life stages we feel.  One day, we were the men of the household with our own family, and in a moment, everything changed. 

We talked about the difficulties of our current and future relationships and how we don't really know how we will react when things are brought up intentionally or unintentionally.  We both agree that it will take time to figure all of these things out for ourselves, but I am glad to meet someone who is on a similar journey as me.  I look forward to this new friendship, and I appreciate Chris' willingness to let me include him in my sharing on this post.

I do want to talk about something important, addressing the stigma of depression:

"I am so sorry your wife passed of cancer.  Why did she have cancer?  What do you think caused the cancer? Were there any signs while she had cancer that could have prevented her death?"

Not that anyone has said these words, but this is oftentimes how these types of questions are perceived by someone who has lost someone to depression.  I know no one is malicious in asking these questions, but what we need to realize is that depression is a mental illness that affects the brain, much like cancer, heart, or lung disease is an illness that affects our physical being.  Cancer's terminal moment happens when someone's body just cannot function due to the irreparable damage to the cells that is caused.  Heart disease's terminal moment is when the heart gives out and no longer can pump blood to the vital organs.  Lung disease's terminal moment is when the person can no longer utilize what the lungs in our body were designed for-to breath oxygen in.  Depression's terminal moment is when as a result of their brain chemistry, someone makes an irrational decision to take their own life.

The stigma of depression not as severe as any one of these other horrible destructive illnesses needs to be addressed somehow.  And to assume that it is caused by any current situation or stress alone is just a matter of ignorance.  I don't mean that to insult anyone, but in the way that our society does not place a greater emphasis on mental health awareness, and as a result, how people don't want to get the help they need for fear of judgement.  Where does this fear come from?  Is it the way we portray success?  Is it how we bring up our children?  Is it the way movies and TV define popular culture?  I don't really know good answers to these questions but I feel like we need to do everything in our circles to make sure people are aware.  If you see a friend hesitant to seek help, even for something as seemingly minor as stress, please encourage them the best way you know how to seek help and treatment.  It would be an amazing society we would live in if we would treat mental illness the way we treat physical illness.

I wanted to leave you with a memory I have of Elaine.  Whenever Billy Joel's "My Life" (actual song starts at around 1:00) came on the radio in the car, Elaine always mentioned her favorite part of the song was when the high key on the piano played several times (at around 2:00 and 3:30 in the video).  In addition to being a great song, we always had fun pantomiming we were playing the note on the piano.  Chris has been six months in and he shared with me that he is starting to really appreciate these types of memories as positive things and things he can look back on fondly.  I know I will start to as well.

#FlowersForElaine

Today was Elaine's Birthday.  When I woke up, the thought that she wouldn't be able to celebrate it today with me was overwhelming and brought me to tears.  She would have been 34.  I had just recently started to be more adventurous with sushi (Elaine had always loved it), so tonight I was looking forward to taking her to Sugarfish-a nice sushi restaurant in L.A. she wanted to go to--It never got to happen.

But what did happen was that some of her closest friends were able to join me in visiting her grave today and then we also went to a sushi restaurant nearby.  It wasn't Sugarfish, but it was still pretty good.  It was nice to see everyone come together to celebrate but very difficult at the same time.  It was difficult for me to be with them since most of them had a significant other in their lives.  I felt a loneliness that I have been feeling a lot of recently.  No one to ride back with me to talk about a funny joke that was said at the table, or to share our thoughts on topics that were brought up.  In the special ways that only you and your partner share.  No hand to hold as we are walking to our car, no one to open the car door for (she always appreciated this).  It's these little things that are small reminders of what I don't have with Elaine anymore.  This loneliness can be overwhelming at times, and I don't know what to do except share about it with people I'm close to. I'm hoping people can relate, whether its a relationship that broke up, or a relationship that ended abruptly by a sudden loss like I have had.  I am hoping people can relate to the emptiness you feel when half of you is completely physically removed from this world, and how you cope with it all and to be able to relate to all the emotion that goes with it.

I appreciate everyone's sympathy of course, so please don't get me wrong.  But I have been longing to meet people that are going through this specific grieving as a result of suicide. The suicide survivor group has been helpful for developing relationships with people in similar situations, but even within that group there hadn't been another guy in his 30s, who recently lost his wife to suicide.  That was until last night.  I met a guy who lost his wife 6 months ago, around my same age. Just talking with him, I can sense we have had similar emotions and thoughts about what we have been going through.  We exchanged phone numbers, so I hope to develop a friendship sharing a common bond in what we have and have yet to experience.  I hope we can help each other navigate through this very difficult type of grieving.

 I am not trying to minimize other types of death and the pain it brings to those left behind, but death by suicide leaves a crater that is unlike most other deaths.  Most other deaths don't leave behind the raging thoughts of guilt and bitterness like suicide does.  Most other deaths allow people to be completely at peace because they know there was nothing that anyone could have done.  Most other deaths don't leave the longing question of "why?" which will be with me the rest of my life.  I also carry with me the moment when I felt for Elaine's pulse and it wasn't there.  This is a memory that will most likely never go away, but I will learn to manage it over time.  

One of the leaders at the suicide support group talked about his loss using the example of a hand grenade.  The person they lost was doing everything in their power to keep the pin in.  They did not want to see their family and friends shattered by them dying.  They did not want their loved ones to go through what they had to go through as a result of their death.  But at a certain point, it just became too painful to hold that pin in.  Elaine didn't want all this destruction to occur, but the only way out of her pain, according to her broken brain, was to let go of that pin.

I want to thank those of you who sent me private messages on Facebook shortly after Elaine passed.  Even though I didn't respond to everyone, I did read those messages.  Today before everyone else got to the cemetery, I got there early to read some of the stories that people had shared of Elaine.  I read them to her at her graveside.  As I was reading them to her, emotion came over me several times and I was able to cry. Emotions rooted in "I wish you knew how much you were loved and appreciated" and "I wish I told you more how much I admired your love for others."  These were all good emotions to get out, and I know there will be much more like them in the future.  

I do hope those of you reading this will not hesitate one second to tell those you love, what you appreciate about them and how much they mean to you.  I challenge you to reach out to one person this week: your spouse, kid, parent, sibling, cousin or friend and share with them how much you appreciate them and what they add to your life.  We are designed to need words of affirmation.  Don't let the awkwardness or shyness get in the way of you showing your appreciation--It could mean the world to them.

I know I talk about how hard it is to be around people with families of their own, but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy seeing you.  Please continue reaching out to me to hang out, it means a lot to me.  I have really enjoyed meeting with people I haven't seen in a while, even to just catch up on life in general aside from what is going on.  As I try to figure out what my "New Normal" is, it will be great to stay connected with those who love and support me.

Reinvention

It has been an interesting past week.  I feel like it's the first week where I am not constantly thinking about it.  I've met with a lot of different people and have been starting some new habits, losing some old ones.  I have found it difficult to cry about things (and I have cried a lot this past month).  And sometimes when in the presence of those close to her, find it difficult to cry when they are crying.  I want to be sure that I am in touch with what I am feeling, but at the same time, I don't want to force anything.

There have been occasions when I have tried to make myself cry, but I just can't.  I passed by Irvine Presbyterian Church, where we were married four years ago, and I wanted to cry, but the tears would not come out.  When driving from Irvine to North OC, I look at the empty seat in my car, and try to cry because of the fact that Elaine will no longer sit there, but nothing happens.  

I don't completely understand why, but my therapist says that everyone grieves differently and in their own time. They even said that I am in a place right now that takes most people 6 months to get to.  I have shared with some (who have asked) exactly how I found her that night, and each time I share, it gets easier and easier to talk about it.  When I share, its as though I am more of an observer of historical fact, rather than someone who had experienced the event themselves.  As a man of faith, a verse sticks out at me, one that I first turned to back in February and one that I was reminded by recently by a good friend and man of God and ministry.

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.  For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

As I look at this verse, maybe what I am experiencing is God's purest form of comfort, a taste of the comfort we will feel when we enter heaven.  Comfort that goes beyond all earthly understanding.  This is the only logical explanation that I can come up with.

Now I do know, and my therapist has also told me, there will be times, especially all the firsts-first birthdays, first thanksgivings, first Christmases, where it will be difficult, so I am hoping that I can cry during those times.  Even now, blogging about this is helping in my grief.

I wanted to share one last thing.  The same friend who reminded me of the 2 Cor verse also pointed out to me something when we visited Elaine's grave the other day, there is a water spout near the tree.  I had always known it was there and joked about how Elaine would appreciate the practicality of it, but it reminded him of Jeremiah 17: 7,8

But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.

They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream.

It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green.

It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.

Jeremiah 17:7,8

I hope we can all bear eternal fruit from what has happened because of this earthly event.

 

How Will You Live Your Life?

I am thinking this will probably be one of my last posts for a while.  But I wanted to share what Pastor Sun Kim had shared with us at the funeral last Saturday.  He was also the one who had married Elaine and I.  This message really articulates the hope that we all have in Elaine's death.  Please pay close attention to the imperatives that Pastor Sun talked about-this is our application.

"I have to be honest with everyone, even though I was very happy and honored to have received this request to speak today, this probably has been one of the most difficult message to prepare in my entire pastoral life. I wasn’t quite ready to prepare a burial message whom I had wed only few years ago.  As much as I want to bless everyone who have gathered here today, I feel that its is very important for us to be honest and speak sincerely to the circumstance which brings us here today. Without this honest and deep introspection, I don’t think we can properly grow and heal. As I’ve pondered over the content of the message, asking God to give me the right words to speak, asking God to give me the wisdom to balance between grief and hope, honesty and compassion, present circumstance and faith…I decided to ask a simple question. What would Elaine say to us today?

I know that Elaine is now in heaven, resting in the presence of God free from the burdens of sin, brokenness, fear and pain. And I also firmly believe that she is finally made complete in the image of God lacking nothing. So if she can speak to us today from heaven, what would she say?  I know this may be a bit unorthodox way of preaching God’s word, and it may even feel a bit uncomfortable for some, but please indulge me and I pray that this message will give hope and strength to all of you. 

I think if Elaine were looking down upon us and was able to speak to us, knowing the kind of person Elaine was, I believe the first thing she will say is, “I’m sorry.”  I believe she’ll say…
“I’m sorry for leaving all of you so early…”
“I’m sorry for leaving you with so many unanswered questions…”
“I’m sorry for making any of you feel like you hadn’t done enough for me. That’s not true.”
“I’m especially sorry to my husband Paul, for not being able to keep my vow to stay by your side till the end. Not being able to share with you the promise of God as husband and wife till the end.” 
“I’m sorry to Mom and dad, because I know there is no greater pain than for parents to have to bury their own child.”

But most importantly, I know she had an opportunity to speak to God face to face and say “God I’m sorry, I’m sorry for giving up on your gift to me, giving up on the treasure of life you’ve entrusted to me”.  To which I know God said, “I have already forgiven you, when my Son died for you on the cross, bearing all your pain, all your sorrows, all of your unspoken prayers. I have seen all the tears you shed in secret and I wept next to you. They are wiped clean, purified as driven snow. Now enter into your eternal rest, in my arms, find your eternal peace.” For this very reason, we too must choose to find peace. To let go. To forgive.  And to also forgive ourselves.

Secondly, I believe Elaine will say, with a huge grin on her face, “It’s all good! I haven’t frowned once since I got to heaven. I haven’t shed a single tear…ok maybe from laughing all the time. I no longer feel darkness anywhere at all. I haven’t seen a shadow yet, I’m enveloped by God’s perfect light all the time. I can finally see myself as God sees me…. and I am beautiful. I can’t find a single mirror here that shows any imperfection. I no longer need any make-up. I’m overwhelmed with only certainties, as all the doubts are left behind. Every step I take here is with absolute assurance and with profound love of my heavenly Father. What I use to see and perceive only dimly, now I understand perfectly without any distraction. I am finally at peace, and I hope you’ll find God’s peace knowing where now I reside.”

Lastly, I think she will ask all of us a favor. I think she would ask that her life and death will have meaning as we ponder Apostle Paul’s words, “and all these things shall work together for those who love God and called according to his purpose”. As I was thinking about this last point, an image came to my mind. My daughter attends a Mosaic class at her school every Monday. It’s an art class taught by a wonderful local artist. They create this beautiful Mosaic by using hundreds of broken, jagged, and shared glasses. It is an amazing and most beautiful thing to see these pieces come together to create an image that an artist had in her mind. When being put together, it’s bit chaotic and hard to imagine the final outcome. But as these children, in full trust of their teacher and in obedience to her instruction, begin to lay pieces together, side by side, they begin to see this beautiful image begin to emerge and come alive right in front of their eyes. 

I think we are all broken, jagged, shared pieces of glass without meaning when left to ourselves. We must realize that we are all broken, but beautifully broken. Our broken, jagged, and insignificant piece has a deeper meaning in the beautiful imagination of our God, our heavenly Father. It is when we begin to realize that when my brokenness connects with your brokenness, and yours connect with others, that we can begin to find meaning, restoration, and, healing in the midst. 

Some of us might be saying, this is too much to process. Too much to make sense out of. I can’t neatly package it into my theology or my culture or my worldview… so we may end up just internalizing Elaine’s death. Some of us will cover it up or bury it deep inside. Some of us will just try to just move on as quickly as possible. 

I believe what we must do is honestly acknowledge Elaine’s brokenness. But the question is, how will we then come along, come along side of her brokenness and connect it with ours, and in turn seek God to accomplish even greater things than we can possibly imagine and hope for?

I think Elaine is asking us to be open. Open to those who are broken, those who are struggling in their secret rooms consumed by darkness. Open to young people who are experts at plastering the most perfect image on their social media, yet struggling with their sense of worth that can only be retrieved in God. Elaine might be asking you to take more proactive role. Some of us might be encouraged to create programs or start an organization that can help prevent any further loss of lives. Some of us may reconsider your career choices that may further help people deal with serious physical and mental issues such as depression. May be some of us are called to change the conversation within the Asian culture to remove the stigma of mental disorder; create true safe spaces, especially within the church, to discuss difficult subjects such as suicide and depression. Some of us will need to fight for the biblical understanding of the institution of family as the last defense in protecting the mind and hearts of our young people. Some of us need to seriously engaged the culture of Nihilism, a culture that continues to promote meaninglessness all the while aimlessly searching for happiness within. 

I’m hopeful for tomorrow, because I know we will meet with Elaine face to face in God’s kingdom. But I’m also hopeful, because I have confidence that so many of us will rise up and meet the challenges Elaine’s life and death has presented for us. Elaine’s life was dedicated to helping the broken and hurting. We all know this to be true because we know her heart and we have witnessed her faith in action. Now her death is demanding us to have a vision that cares for those who are quietly falling into the cracks, those who are being ruthlessly swallowed up by the visions of darkness. I have hope, not in our own ability to be good, but because God who has begun a good work in Elaine’s life will be faithful to accomplish it through all of us, all of us who are so beautifully broken before God."

-Pastor Sun Kim 3/11/17

#lovemore

This has been a crazy week.  I had a dream earlier in the week that I was in the police academy, but when it got to the part about training with weapons, I opted out.  Then right after, Elaine called me on the phone and said she had been kickbox training in the L.A. area for the past few weeks.  For a moment, I felt relief as if she hadn't passed.  Then right after I woke up and reality hit.

Part of what I have been doing to keep busy and not stuck inside all the time is working out.  I have some great friends in my bible study group that have been helping me get used to a workout routine and I just got my own membership this week.  For the first time in my life, I actually crave working out.  I feel like I want to do everything possible to ensure my mind is in tip top shape as I know that the physical and mental are closely related.  I also feel very good afterwards (even if my legs are jelly), knowing that I am doing what I can to stay physically healthy.  I hope to get on my road bike very soon as well-especially since we are having such nice weather lately.

One of the topics in the out patient group therapy was about self-esteem and I learned that our self-esteem baseline is pretty well established by age 7.   I had been beating myself up thinking thoughts such as, "maybe the stress of marriage did her in" or "maybe we should have never married, then she would have been happier."  "Maybe these last four years would have been better for her without me in the picture." After having some good discussions with my friends and others, I have come to realize that Elaine's depression was so much bigger than just the last four years of marriage.  She had been dealing with the depression for decades, not just the past few years.  As much as I want to take responsibility for what had happened, what she was dealing with was a lifelong battle.  

One of my best friends and I were talking in the car for a good thirty minutes when he dropped me off the other night.  He was reminding me of the Elaine that had found so much joy and happiness in the relationships that she had formed in the past several years.  Simple things such as just a few months back where Elaine, he and his wife and me were playing a game (Utter Nonsense) based on using accents and how most of us almost peed our pants because of how much fun we were having.  We had shared some great times with all the inside jokes that we came up with together.  This is where we experienced the ture Elaine and she experienced true happiness.  He also reminded me of how I was there for her to provide a special love that you only experience in marriage and had we not been together, she most likely wouldn't have been able to experience that in her lifetime. 

 

What we also learned in outpatient therapy are the keys to ensuring your children grow up with high self esteem.  And it is these three elements that I encourage those of you parents to please please please make sure you practice, regardless of your children's' age.  And many of you probably are.  All the parenting books in the world will not help unless you follow these three imperatives:

1. Love yourself
2. Love each other (even if you are divorced)
3. Love a higher being

I am no parenting expert, but helping combat depression can start from the family and how we set examples for our children.  It is not always an easy thing and I don't purport to know all the right methods and techniques to help with this, especially since I've never been a parent, but if you follow these, you are setting up your children to have the best shot at a healthy level of self-esteem.  

Saturday was Elaine's funeral and burial with family.  I had a very difficult morning and on the way to the cemetery had the most bitter and hateful thoughts towards Elaine that I have ever had in my entire life while she was here.  I was full of rage, anger, and felt betrayed.

"How could you do this to me?"

"How could you do this to your family?"

"Did you realize the fallout you were going to create when you did this?"

"Did you only care about yourself?  How could you be so selfish?"

"We created a life together, and we had a future together, and you destroyed all that!"

The pastor that married Elaine and I was also the pastor that said the message at the funeral.  What he said was exactly what I had needed to hear.  He opened where he gave us some of the things Elaine would probably be saying to us from heaven right now if she was looking down.  It was exactly what I needed to hear.

Some of the things she would have said...

...I am sorry God for abandoning the gifts, talents, and person you had made me to be.

...I am sorry Paul for not honoring our marriage vows and seeing it to the end of both of our lives.

...I am sorry to everyone for what you must be going through right now and the pain and suffering you must be feeling right now.

Knowing Elaine and her heart, I know that she would indeed be saying these things as she was looking down from heaven.  I needed to hear her say that she was sorry for what she had done and for all the pain she was causing.  I gained more peace to hear that she was sorry to God and that He forgave her and was welcoming her into an eternal place of rest without any pain.  

I wanted to include some photos from the funeral.  The ones of me I was silently asking for forgiveness for the thoughts and things I had said to her earlier the day of the funeral.  I was saying my final earthly goodbyes.

If you would like to visit Elaine (there is no permanent marker/headstone yet), she is laid to rest at Loma Vista Memorial Park in Fullerton in front of a non-fruiting ornamental plum tree.  The office staff is very helpful and can guide you to where she is resting. 

http://www.lomavistamemorialpark.com/

Please stop by whenever you can to pay your respects.  Please remind Elaine of the stories you have shared with me of how she affected your life.  And share with her how your life has changed as a result. 

#lovemore

Want

Sunday was a very difficult day.  I was planning on going to church but received an e-mail from my leasing company asking me to pay my utilities via cashier's check instead of personal check-like they couldn't trust my personal check.  I was so infuriated since they had already accepted a personal check for roughly 15 times the amount to finish out the lease for March.  This triggered me and I became extremely angry, was denouncing God, and pushed away a few friends that day that were only trying to be there to support me-I feel like I hadn't really expressed my anger outwardly in an appropriate manner other than on my last post.  I just wanted to be alone, in my thoughts, and in my anger.  It was even to the point where I wasn't responding to anything anyone was saying, similar to the episode I had earlier last week.

I kept my distance from people that whole day and slept on it.  I woke up the next morning and realized this was not a healthy place to be at.  I was learning at group therapy that when you have anger and it is directed inward, it manifests itself as depression.  I had a recommendation from someone at church last week to call my health care provider to setup a meeting with a therapist.  Long story short, they determined that medication was not right for me at this time.   I was however able to setup intensive out patient group therapy.  I had my first day today and I think it is going to help.  No one is in the exact same situation as I am (widower by suicide), but it felt like it will be a safe place to share and to gain some tools to help in the grieving process.

I have a great support system from friends and family, but I came to a realization that I could go down a dark path if I didn't seek professional help for myself.  I realize, that in order for people to get help, they have to want the help, and unfortunately in Elaine's case, that was a difficult point to get her to.    Elaine didn't want to be seen as different, as having a problem, as needing extra help.  She felt she was a burden to those who wanted to see her better, and the depression twisted and gnarled that help that people wanted for her into feelings of judgement and criticism. I don't say all of this to make anyone feel guilty, just to highlight how destructive depression can be, and how it turns the truth into something unrecognizable, illogical, and irrational.  That is one aspect I am coming to grips with, and where part of the feelings of hopelessness from all of this are coming from.  I wish that I could have found some way to break her stubbornness, to lovingly help her get the help she needed.  

Part of awareness is going to be to find out ways to help people feel safe and empowered to make a decision to want and seek help.  I don't have any advice or specifics that can be used at this point, but I encourage everyone to pray for or send positive thoughts to those you know are struggling.  Only you will know the right way to approach each situation based on the person's personality and I pray that God has already gone before you to prepare their hearts.

In our suicide survivors support group this last Tuesday night, the topic was "Making Meaning."  I should clarify what that means as there seems to be some confusion at times.  A "Suicide Survivor" is not meaning someone who attempted suicide but did not complete the act.  Rather, the term is referring to those who are left behind in the fallout of the tragedy. It was a good feeling (the word 'good' is hardly appropriate, but its the best I can come up with), when we were all similarly sharing about trying to make meaning from each of our losses.  We talked about the question, "Why?" and how asking that question is actually trying to rationalize an irrational act.  If you go down that rabbit hole, there is no guarantee that you will find the answers you are looking for.  And even if you do find the answers, will that even give you any peace?  

As the days pass, the hurt of it all stings slightly less and less.  This picture from an article my sister shared is a good reminder for me that my grief will always be with me, yet will become smaller and smaller as time passes.

As we were leaving a meeting with E2 Beauty's CPA today, he reminded me of the fond memories he had of Elaine, that she would bring him coffee, boba, and cookies anytime we had a meeting with him.  She was always looking out for people, wanting to make them feel comfortable and accepted.  That's exactly who she was with her clients as well.  You can ask any of the brides she had worked with and they will agree wholeheartedly that she wanted the best experience inside and out for each and every one of them.

I wanted to end this post with something I always admired about Elaine.  Her love for hip hop and R & B music.  She was the one who got me into it.  We both liked Bruno Mars, Elaine even more so, so I was happy she was able to enjoy his most recent album before she left this Earth.  This is one of her favorite songs from the album (many of you probably have it as your favorite as well).  Be sure kids aren't in the room, since there are some mature themes and language scattered throughout lol.  She really liked the album because it brought back a real 90's feel and sound back into the limelight.  I will always think of her fondly when listening to this song and I hope it will remind you of how much she wanted people to feel loved.