It's been a while since my last post. Today the tow truck came to pick up Elaine's car to bring to her dad, so that he can sell it. It was not in my name, it was in Elaine and her dad's, so it created all sorts of stress and paperwork for power of attorney/DMV/registration while I was trying to take care of the sale on my end. I thought it best to just have Elaine's dad take over since its in his name anyways, and he won't run into the same problems I have been. Here is the picture I saw of it leaving-the last time I will see it, the last physical reminder of someone-their car. The car that she had and loved driving. The car that she used driving to and from La Crescenta and Irvine when we first started dating up until we got married. The car that she used to go to and from her weddings and gigs for E2 Beauty. Her car, a car she spent a lot of time in. And living in SoCal, we know that is essential if you have a busy schedule. The last piece...but not really.
I realize there are many pieces of the puzzle that I still don't understand, and I don't think I ever will. The puzzle that is the last 7-8 years of my life. How I sometimes feel regret for even pursuing a relationship with her - that those last 7-8 years are years that I will never get back. Years that I invested my time in and sacrificed for someone. Those are years that maybe I could have met someone else, started a family with, even had kids with who were going to be entering kindergarten soon. Kids that would be playing with my nephews when my sister visits this year. Kid's that I will have celebrated their birthdays and experienced the joy that comes with all of that. But I am left with the aftermath of it all. No wife, no kids, and a future that was expected, is no more. A future that is very uncertain at this point as far as a family is concerned. I wish I had something positive to say in this paragraph, or some glint of wisdom I've gotten, but I don't right now-this is where I sit.
I still believe in God, but am still angry with Him. Still haven't gone back to church and not sure how that will look when I do decide to go back. I think about how awkward it will be when people stand up for worship, and I'll feel obligated to stand, but will probably just put my hands in my pockets and pretend to sing, if I open my mouth at all. A good friend of mine once shared with me how his dad said you shouldn't sing the words if you don't actually believe in what they say. I think about how I will be analyzing everything the pastor says and cross referencing it with my tragedy to see if things line up and make sense. I want to believe that God still loves me, but right now, this is hard to believe or fathom-when I look at what has happened. Sure, people have been inspired and moved by Elaine's life, but at the cost of my own happiness, the cost of my future as I hoped it would be. This is something I will be struggling with for quite a while.
Oh, and I've also decided to try dating again. To see what is out there. To see what I like, and don't like. What are things that are turn offs? To just have a fun time and flirt with someone who is interested and flirts back. And importantly, to see if there is something more. I also realize I have a right to be picky. To be selective about who I date, what they look like, what they like to do. I've met some really cool women that I click with and have met some others that I just wasn't quite interested in. Oh, and let me tell you, technology and dating is so interesting these days. There are so many different ways to meet people now than ever before. All sorts of social norms have been created as a result and I am figuring them out as I go. I am learning about what I like and what I don't like, and try to take each experience for what it is-an experience that teaches me about myself and what my needs are. All this to say, it took me to a point through a lot of therapy and self-reflection to realize that I need to practice self-care. I need to "do you" and do things that make me happy, and also I have a right to be happy and enjoy everything that comes with dating and eventually marriage again. This is my timing and mine alone and part of me moving forward. I wonder what I will learn next about myself.