There have been occasions when I have tried to make myself cry, but I just can't. I passed by Irvine Presbyterian Church, where we were married four years ago, and I wanted to cry, but the tears would not come out. When driving from Irvine to North OC, I look at the empty seat in my car, and try to cry because of the fact that Elaine will no longer sit there, but nothing happens.
I don't completely understand why, but my therapist says that everyone grieves differently and in their own time. They even said that I am in a place right now that takes most people 6 months to get to. I have shared with some (who have asked) exactly how I found her that night, and each time I share, it gets easier and easier to talk about it. When I share, its as though I am more of an observer of historical fact, rather than someone who had experienced the event themselves. As a man of faith, a verse sticks out at me, one that I first turned to back in February and one that I was reminded by recently by a good friend and man of God and ministry.
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.2 Corinthians 1:3-5
As I look at this verse, maybe what I am experiencing is God's purest form of comfort, a taste of the comfort we will feel when we enter heaven. Comfort that goes beyond all earthly understanding. This is the only logical explanation that I can come up with.
Now I do know, and my therapist has also told me, there will be times, especially all the firsts-first birthdays, first thanksgivings, first Christmases, where it will be difficult, so I am hoping that I can cry during those times. Even now, blogging about this is helping in my grief.
I wanted to share one last thing. The same friend who reminded me of the 2 Cor verse also pointed out to me something when we visited Elaine's grave the other day, there is a water spout near the tree. I had always known it was there and joked about how Elaine would appreciate the practicality of it, but it reminded him of Jeremiah 17: 7,8
But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him.
They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.
I hope we can all bear eternal fruit from what has happened because of this earthly event.