The Monday After

Today we were supposed to go into the doctor to find out about medication.  Thoughts keep running through my head about what I could have done to prevent Elaine from taking her own life.  Could I have said something differently or not said something that might have hurt her.  I keep reading about how one of the unique things that a suicide survivor deals with its the guilt of not having been able to prevent it.

I take comfort in the fact that Elaine is no longer suffering from the depression but the images of her graphic state she was in when I found her keep entering my mind.  This image is what I keep sharing with people who offer their condolences.

Revelation 21:4 is a reminder that she is sleeping with Christ and I will see her again when my time has come.  No more tears...

God has also placed on my heart that suicide awareness and survivor recovery is going to be a huge part of my life in the future.

A few God moments I had yesterday.

1. Survivors of suicide website: I registered and found that there weren't many posts - the last one had been from August of 2016.  Except for one that was posted on Friday-the day of her death.  It was from a woman who had been dealing with her husbands own suicide by hanging from 15 years ago and how she still is recovering from it.  I felt like God gave me this opportunity to pour out my heart and get some things off of my chest.

Posted by Paul on Sunday, February 19, 2017 at 12:25PM :

In Reply to: My heart aches posted by Jimmysgirl on Friday, February 17, 2017 at 3:30PM :

Hi Jimmysgirl.

I am so sorry for your loss. I know that pain all too well of disbelief and shock and of the guilt that follows. And I know it is a long road of grieving and recovery.

My wife of almost 4 years took her life this last Friday in the same manner. I discovered her in my apartment and the images are hard to get out of my head. I am feeling guilty, as if there may have been something I or her friends and family could have done to prevent it. I am not sure if you are religious or spiritual, but I take comfort in the fact that she is with our Lord in heaven and is able to fully experience the love that her depression prevented her from fully realizing. Jesus took her at the right time and wanted her to be able to experience that love. He knew that her act of suicide was her final desperate cry out to him and He was ready to embrace her.

Religious or not, what has helped me too is to reminisce about all of the great things that happened while she was on this earth. How much she loved and cared for others and also how much she was loved. You have to hold on to that for your husband as painful as that can be to remember him.

As far as people telling you to get over it, they are way off base and cannot understand the unique pain that a survivor goes through.

I am not sure if any of this is helpful for you but I will try to remember you and yours in my prayers.

Remember the great times with him!

P.S. I posted an image that is carrying me through (it's uncanny as to how much it looks like her) and I will be using it at her memorial service.

All the best,
Paul - Husband to loving wife Elaine RIP 2/17/17

: I lost my best friend and the love of my life almost 15 years ago. I was at his mother's house when he called me to tell me that he loved me and always would, and to tell our 4 year old son that he loved him. I was so frantic to make him tell me where he was that I never got to tell him how much I loved him. He wouldn't tell me where he was, and the phone company couldn't trace the call. The police came and started looking for him and two days later they came to tell us that they had found him. I was so happy..until they told me that he was gone. He had hanged himself in his favorite spot in the woods, by a waterfall. All I remember is falling to my knees in the snow. I dont remember being cold. I just remember being numb. I have cried and screamed and the ache is still here. Everyone has always told me to stop, that I just need to move on. It's been 15 years, and I'm still having a hard time. I feel so guilty, like maybe there was something I didn't do..or say. Something, anything. This is killing me inside, eating me up. I just can't get past it. I wish he was here so I could hug him one more time, tell him how much he meant to me, how much I loved him. I miss him so much.


I am not sure if she will even see it but I was crying as I was typing and God knew I needed that time to be able to share.

2. Elaine's friend phone call

For some reason Elaine's friend had just found out the news on Sunday.  She was devastated and completely out of sorts and bawling.  She told me about how guilty she felt and how sorry she was.  Having the same feelings I am experiencing of guilt and shame for what happened.  I was able to lean on God's truth that Elaine was no longer suffering and that she was with Jesus in heaven.  And to be able to share this with Elaine's friend and be able to console her.

I know that the strength I had in that moment in order to support Elaine's friend in her grief comes only from God.  I will be making aware of and helping survivors go through the grieving process.

I also had a surreal moment when I registered for Experiencing God-an intense bible bible study course at church.  I had to choose " widowed" for my marital status.  It's the first official marker of my new phase of life I will be going through.  All sorts of emotions are coming back as I talk about this. The unfairness of the whole situation and what had happened.

There are so many logistics to go through but my friends and family are amazing and will be helping me through the process.

My heart goes out to Elaine's business partner who is grieving in her own unique way.  She is not only grieving the loss of her best friend but also her business.  It was something she had built with Elaine so I can't imagine the thoughts related to that that she is going through.

Prayer requests:

1. The enemy does not twist the truths that God has for me.
2. My strength remains in Jesus alone and I do not try to do things on my own.
3. Everyone who is grieving.
4. Logistics of the memorial and of all the practical things with bills, etc.

Elevation Worship-Come to Altar
I believe Elaine leaned on this song prior to her death.

I miss my beautiful Elaine so so much and still break down every day as the good memories of us together flood my mind. I know this will be a long process of healing and I may never truly forget the pain of it all but my prayer is that I continue to hold on to God's truths as I know that is they only way I will get through this.

Rest in peace my beloved wife Elaine 4/5/83-2/17/17