Survivor's Guilt

I am feeling all sorts of guilt and shame right now.  Been thinking about specific ways in which I might have not done or done something especially last Saturday when I called in the missing persons report and she felt like everyone was up in her business.  I know that God's truth is that it was his perfect timing but I still feel the pain of the unknown of all the "why?"and "why her" surrounding her death. We knew she was not well. Why did I not do more to help her? What I thought was helping could have actually been hurting.  I thought she needed some time to think or just be alone but maybe she needed a shoulder to cry on or just someone to talk to or someone to wait up with her.

I still can't believe she is gone from this earth but will continue to hold fast to the truth that she is now in no more pain and suffering.

I also feel guilty for having thoughts about my future life. Will I ever love again? Will I even be able to get past this pain so that I am capable of loving another person as intimately as everyone deserves in a marriage? How are these thoughts honoring to Elaine's memory? Also, will I be able to function at my job, will I lash out at the kids, will I be able to even function in that stressful environment? How will I respond with the flood of well wishes that are inevitable and not knowing what I need when people ask "Do you need anything?"

Through all this I have been able to comfort those grieving with me.  God's word has always been alive but I just never experienced it the way I am experiencing it now.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.”
‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭1:3-5‬ ‭NIV‬‬

This verse brings me peace beyond all understanding.  That Elaine's death is bringing life in so many others' lives.  That God is becoming more real than ever-that he has to be real at this moment for us to properly and healthily grieve.

Even as God is sharing all these truths with me I continue to break down at the thought of Elaine  and all the good times and what we had and what our future might have held.  My prayer is for continued healing and the Peace of Christ to continue to pour over me and those grieving with me.  We will only get through this with his love and understanding.

This is the last picture we took together on my phone.  I don't know what pain she must have been going through even in this moment.  But her pain is now no more.  The truth of God's promises of no more tears I will hold on to.