Want

Sunday was a very difficult day.  I was planning on going to church but received an e-mail from my leasing company asking me to pay my utilities via cashier's check instead of personal check-like they couldn't trust my personal check.  I was so infuriated since they had already accepted a personal check for roughly 15 times the amount to finish out the lease for March.  This triggered me and I became extremely angry, was denouncing God, and pushed away a few friends that day that were only trying to be there to support me-I feel like I hadn't really expressed my anger outwardly in an appropriate manner other than on my last post.  I just wanted to be alone, in my thoughts, and in my anger.  It was even to the point where I wasn't responding to anything anyone was saying, similar to the episode I had earlier last week.

I kept my distance from people that whole day and slept on it.  I woke up the next morning and realized this was not a healthy place to be at.  I was learning at group therapy that when you have anger and it is directed inward, it manifests itself as depression.  I had a recommendation from someone at church last week to call my health care provider to setup a meeting with a therapist.  Long story short, they determined that medication was not right for me at this time.   I was however able to setup intensive out patient group therapy.  I had my first day today and I think it is going to help.  No one is in the exact same situation as I am (widower by suicide), but it felt like it will be a safe place to share and to gain some tools to help in the grieving process.

I have a great support system from friends and family, but I came to a realization that I could go down a dark path if I didn't seek professional help for myself.  I realize, that in order for people to get help, they have to want the help, and unfortunately in Elaine's case, that was a difficult point to get her to.    Elaine didn't want to be seen as different, as having a problem, as needing extra help.  She felt she was a burden to those who wanted to see her better, and the depression twisted and gnarled that help that people wanted for her into feelings of judgement and criticism. I don't say all of this to make anyone feel guilty, just to highlight how destructive depression can be, and how it turns the truth into something unrecognizable, illogical, and irrational.  That is one aspect I am coming to grips with, and where part of the feelings of hopelessness from all of this are coming from.  I wish that I could have found some way to break her stubbornness, to lovingly help her get the help she needed.  

Part of awareness is going to be to find out ways to help people feel safe and empowered to make a decision to want and seek help.  I don't have any advice or specifics that can be used at this point, but I encourage everyone to pray for or send positive thoughts to those you know are struggling.  Only you will know the right way to approach each situation based on the person's personality and I pray that God has already gone before you to prepare their hearts.

In our suicide survivors support group this last Tuesday night, the topic was "Making Meaning."  I should clarify what that means as there seems to be some confusion at times.  A "Suicide Survivor" is not meaning someone who attempted suicide but did not complete the act.  Rather, the term is referring to those who are left behind in the fallout of the tragedy. It was a good feeling (the word 'good' is hardly appropriate, but its the best I can come up with), when we were all similarly sharing about trying to make meaning from each of our losses.  We talked about the question, "Why?" and how asking that question is actually trying to rationalize an irrational act.  If you go down that rabbit hole, there is no guarantee that you will find the answers you are looking for.  And even if you do find the answers, will that even give you any peace?  

As the days pass, the hurt of it all stings slightly less and less.  This picture from an article my sister shared is a good reminder for me that my grief will always be with me, yet will become smaller and smaller as time passes.

As we were leaving a meeting with E2 Beauty's CPA today, he reminded me of the fond memories he had of Elaine, that she would bring him coffee, boba, and cookies anytime we had a meeting with him.  She was always looking out for people, wanting to make them feel comfortable and accepted.  That's exactly who she was with her clients as well.  You can ask any of the brides she had worked with and they will agree wholeheartedly that she wanted the best experience inside and out for each and every one of them.

I wanted to end this post with something I always admired about Elaine.  Her love for hip hop and R & B music.  She was the one who got me into it.  We both liked Bruno Mars, Elaine even more so, so I was happy she was able to enjoy his most recent album before she left this Earth.  This is one of her favorite songs from the album (many of you probably have it as your favorite as well).  Be sure kids aren't in the room, since there are some mature themes and language scattered throughout lol.  She really liked the album because it brought back a real 90's feel and sound back into the limelight.  I will always think of her fondly when listening to this song and I hope it will remind you of how much she wanted people to feel loved.