These past few days I have really been experiencing full blown anger for the first time since Elaine's passing. For those of you who have hung out with me since it happened, I probably seem somewhat okay-like I have it somewhat together. But each day is a tormented battle of emotions including abandonment, joy, sadness, betrayal, and anger, to name a few. In the words of Will Smith, my "life got flipped turned upside down"--I feel inside out. This blog has helped me tremendously with expressing myself and getting my thoughts out of the internal, because when I internalize most of these emotions, I can go to very dark places. People have been telling me that it is okay to be angry with God and to express that anger to him. So, here I go, I am going to be expressing my anger to him in the form of an honest letter about what I'm going through. These are my thoughts and feelings, and I know many of them are not true, but I must express them nevertheless.
To Whom It May Concern,
I am joyful that Elaine is in no more pain anymore on this earth, whether it be physical, mental, or emotional pain. I am however very angry about the wake of her death, what I have been left with to deal with while I am still on this earth. I am angry that over the course of our marriage, we sacrificed and took on some debt as a result since Elaine was not working full time, so that Elaine could pursue becoming a skin care therapist (esthetician). I am angry because this portion of our debt did not go away with her death. I am angry that I no longer have a significant other, who I can come home to and share my day with, and to lend an ear to when they are having a bad day. I am angry that on my worst days at work, Elaine will not be there to lift me up with words of encouragement, in a way that only spouses know how to do. I am angry that although well-intentioned, most people I encounter will never truly be able to empathize with what I am going through. I am angry that a few people are bound to judge me because they don't understand why I can't just "get over it" after a few weeks/months/years (however long it takes). You tell us that the two become one flesh, and now that flesh has been violently ripped apart. I am angry that if I ever want a family in the future, I will have to re-enter the dating world with so much baggage, that I don't know if anyone would even want to deal with it. I am angry that I am so very awkward when it comes to dating, and I have had to fail many many times before I had met the gracious Elaine. I am angry that I might try to date too soon, or that I may miss an opportunity for love in the future; angry that these types of thoughts are even entering my mind so soon after her passing. I am angry that I now have to question my purpose in my life after having gone through so many trials and errors to get to where I was. I am angry that I will not have Elaine by my side to help support me and help me navigate through all of these things, just like she did when she was here. I am angry that she will not be able to do this on earth for others anymore and that her dream was stolen from her-I am hopeful that her legacy lives on however. I am angry that she had to go through everything she did and YOU did nothing to stop it when you could have. Most of all, I am angry because I don't know who to direct all this anger towards. Where are you in all of this?
Respectfully Yours,
Paul
Right before I was posting this entry on facebook, I saw my sister post something:
"I like to think that one day you'll be an old man like me talkin' a young man's ear off explainin' to him how you took the sourest lemon that life has to offer and turned it into something resembling lemonade." This is Us
This is truly my sourest lemon in life.
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Wow what a powerful, truthful, human side you are showing in regards to your loss. I know you don't know me well, but Elaine was dear to me and I've heard of you since her first crush on you..and I've seen her so happy with you in her life. I'm deeply sorry for your loss and can't imagine your pain.
ReplyDeleteI won't pretend to know your exact pain because I don't but I did lose someone dear last year that I've felt anger guilt, and depression over... your words to God were similar to what I expressed to Him...I felt ripped betrayed and so angry... I feel that it's ok to show the honest anger because God hears our pain and even though we don't see the reason why... there will be some revelation and or deeper purpose in all the pain we experience. It's not fair that she was taken away early in the way that she was... we may not know why or even fanthom the truth..but I know she is with God who is loving on her and filling her with so much joy.
you are human and have right to feel the emotions that you do and it's normal to do so.
I pray that with Time, God will heal your heart and open doors that will bring another level of joy... I will keep you and her family in my prayers
Lisa
Dear Paul, you don't know me but we have a lot of mutual friends and I attend Southland. I attend another church for the grief share group. I'm learning that we need to allow ourself to grieve for however long it takes. the journey of grief is unique and should never be compared with others'. I learned today in my second session of grief share that it's not just the death of a loved one you are grieving, it's also the unique relationship you had with that person. It's a series of losses because there are so many secondary losses hat come after the death eg. Home, lover, confidant, companion, source of laughter, walking partner, possessions, and so on. You're on the right step to recovery! Journaling everyday is encouraged. Being honest with your emotions is a must for healing properly and you are doing just that! Emotions need to be exposed not internalized as you mentioned. God has a purpose for you and a reason for you living -that's what I tell myself. And don't rush through grief. Face it and go through it as you are. Our life will not return to normal. But there will be a new normal -accepting the fact that things will never be the same. In EG we are assigned to walk with God this week and talk to Him. The grief share book also encourages to take a walk with God and tell Him how you feel and address all the questions you have.
ReplyDeleteI agree there needs to be more awareness of depression and suicide. The only church I know that's starting something is Saddleback in May called Hope Rising after their son had died of suicide. I pray you find hope and comfort in God.