Five States of Grief

States of Grief

I say the five states of grief (note, not the five stages. Just because we move out of one stage, doesn't mean we won't ever come back to it).

• Bargaining
• Depression (Sadness)
• Anger
• Denial
• Acceptance

I intentionally changed the order in this list because there is no set order.  No official document that states that you must grieve in a specific order.  It also is not like a stage in a video game, that once you have beaten the boss or final challenge of the stage, you move onto the next never having to go back.  

I find myself moving in between acceptance and denial on a regular basis and the process is very emotionally draining.  I have also been in the depression/anger phase, where I feel the guilt of feeling like there is something I could have done differently.  I am learning that these feelings are all okay and normal through the wise words of those I am surrounding myself with.  This quote sums it up nicely.

Overcoming my Guilt

The prior week, Elaine had been struggling and had felt overwhelmed.  I shared with a family member tonight about how on the night before she passed, Elaine had told me at dinner that she wanted to live and I told her I was happy about that.  Things seemed like they were on the right track.  We were going to go into the doctor on Monday morning to check on medications.  She seemed like she was doing better.  We had also visited the Verizon store to check on our upgrade availability before dinner (Elaine had wanted to go out which I was happy about).  We got home and Elaine was working on her work and I was able to get some work done to prep for the next day of teaching.  Things felt right-normal.  Elaine even paid for her driver's license renewal and had ordered some things on Amazon.com for her business.  Every indicator seemed like she was okay.  And she probably was okay in those moments.  I still think about if maybe I should have asked her if she wanted to watch a movie together on the TV (something she enjoyed), something, anything that would have changed the following day's course.  This is the tragedy of depression-that things can seem all right, and in a sheer moment, for that person suffering, it can hit so painfully that it doesn't matter anything else that is going on.  And this is something that is so misunderstood about depression.  Depression is not something that someone can be talked out of with positive thoughts.  It's not something that anyone could fully understand unless you actually have experienced it.  It is so frustrating trying to understand what happened.

Through my sharing tonight with her, the family member reassured me that I did the best I could to love Elaine in the best way I knew how and that is what mattered-that I loved her up until the end.  I would appreciate continued prayers that God will protect my mind and that the enemy will not take a foothold in my thoughts of guilt.  Help me be reminded that it was not me or anyone else that caused it, but it was the ugly disease that she struggled with.

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand. 
     -Proverbs 19:21

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Project Semicolon is a group that is a sounding board for people touched by the tragedy of suicide and depression.  I wanted to share a video from the site where a brave young woman named Maci shares her story.  What is similar is that she describes herself in the beginning much like many of you knew Elaine-bright, happy, fun-loving.  I hope this gives you a glimpse into what people might be experiencing with depression.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w9cSdAvUk4s

The site also talks about the meaning of the semicolon.  "A semicolon is used when an author could've chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life," from their website.

Death by Suicide vs Commited Suicide

So there is a difference between stating that someone committed suicide and someone died by suicide.  Committed implied they had a choice in the matter, but as I talked about in one of my previous posts, this is not the case.  Death by suicide is more appropriate and respectful.

Honoring Elaine

I went to lunch to Raising Cain's with my sister and also a good friend who flew down for the memorial-neither of them had tried it yet, so I wanted them to experience it-I know Elaine would have wanted them to as well.  As I was getting my sweet tea, I remembered that Elaine liked to mix the sweet with the unsweetened teas-so I did the same.  The small memories of her like this is helping me cope, to know that she is still here with me experiencing the small joys of life.  

I thank you again for your fervent prayers and generosity.  There have been many stories shared, but one segment that was shared was so poignant:

"I am dealing with my loss from a position of confusion to some joy because I know the light she reflected and beamed, and it is not gone, just different now."

 I know in my heart that Elaine's death is bringing so much transformation in people's lives and this gives me joy, but my heart still aches-the hope of a future with Elaine shattered into millions of pieces, what we might of had, the children we might have raised.  All of this gone in a single moment.  I need God more than ever now to be my ultimate comforter to get me through this painful journey and come out on the other side ok and ready to live the full life he has in store for me.  Give me an eternal perspective.  Lord, I cry out to you, help me see the broken pieces reformed into a tapestry so beautifully and wonderfully made.  Help me to embrace Elaine's legacy, so that I may truly honor her death.