F%@k*ng Sh@t#y Things!!! (Rated R)

I would warn anyone who doesn't like foul language or graphic descriptions that may invoke your imagination of Elaine's last state to maybe skip this entry.  I'll put some space in between this paragraph so you know to not scroll down if bad language and graphic descriptions are not for you.  Just know that I am going through many emotions right now and this singular post isn't indicative of how I am feeling in whole, but is a piece of the many emotions I am feeling.  I will probably do another post today, because there are other things I want to share that don't go along with the tone of this one.  With that being said, please scroll down if you would like to continue.





































Fucking shitty things!  This morning, something triggered me (I believe I have PTSD now) and I went into a state where I wasn't responding to my family as they were asking if I was ok.  I snapped out of it when my mom said they better call 911. I went to my laptop to look up PTSD for suicide survivors and came across a blog that talked about how PTSD is particularly prevalent for those that were witness to or discovered the body-I had discovered her.

Fucking shitty things!  I think I needed to share the graphic details of Elaine and exactly what I experienced when I discovered her body and what I went through up until the authorities arrived.  It was the first time I had shared it with anyone and my Mom, Dad, and sister broke down crying when I gave them the details.  My sister had asked me if it felt good to be able to finally share it and I told her that it did.  My sister yelled out "This is a fucking shitty thing."  We were all crying out to God that this is a fucking shitty thing!  Why did Elaine have to die the way she did, she must have been feeling so much physical pain and there was so much blood and a complete distortion of the Elaine I knew as I saw her in her final moments.

Why do fucking shitty things happen to good people and amazing and incredible things happen to complete asshats?  

My whole family is struggling with the nature of her death.  Why couldn't it have been something else?  Why couldn't she have passed peacefully?  I feel like we had a collective grieving moment as a family much like we have been having some fun moments here and there with each other.

Although I am coming to peace with her actual death, I am still struggling with God's will and why this all happened in the way it did.  There was no hospice period for Elaine, no time to make things comfortable for her before her passing, no treatment or comfort for her in her last days.  This is what is painful for me especially-no husband wants their wife to experience that pain.  And just imagining it takes me down a very dark place-a place where I can question God's goodness and mercy.  However, David in the psalms shared similar sentiments and frustrations.

"1Save me, O God, 
for the waters have come up to my neck. 
2I sink in the miry depths, 
where there is no foothold. 
I have come into the deep waters; 
the floods engulf me. 
3I am worn out calling for help; 
my throat is parched. 
My eyes fail, 
looking for my God. 

Psalms 69:1-3

This struggle is not new in the history of humanity, but have come about through different circumstances as the centuries pass.  I feel like in our time specifically, mental illness is bringing us to a place of struggle similar to feelings David may have been feeling.  

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" Romans 8:28

Trying to really understand this scripture from Romans...