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After the Storm

On February 17, 2017, my life and the life of those she loved changed forever.  My wife had been battling clinical depression and lost that ...

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

The New Normal


Tonight I had some time to talk with my sister as we were catching some of the new Pokemon from Pokemon Go (haven't played it in a few months, nor had the desire to this week, but thought it could be good for me to get out of the house and get some exercise).  I told her that its so weird that now I won't be living in that apartment at all and how its so weird that I won't get to live a life with Elaine in that apartment anymore.  It was our home for one and a half years, and we had both recently talked about how we really liked where we lived and could see ourselves there for a while.  My sister shared with me that it sucks because its like a big change that anyone goes through in life-moving into a new apartment, going off to college for the first time, buying a new car.  However this change-I had no time to prepare for.  No time to think about where I would be moving to (thankful my parents are nearby), no time to figure out how to get rid of stuff, no time to really think about a final resting place for Elaine-of course we had some physical time with this, but we didn't get time to prepare mentally or emotionally like people do when they see a loved one on their death bed and they know the inevitable.  Everything was stripped from us without us being prepared for any of this change.  So I am now living the new normal.  The normal that is still raw and weird and unfair and hurtful and painful.  The normal that I will have to eventually embrace as time goes on.  I will eventually reconcile the painful parts of this normal, but only with God's help and a community around me.  I ask for continued prayers as I try to blend my three realities into one life (see my previous post, "The Three Realities"), where I can not feel jarred anytime I transition from one to another.

My family and I are having a rough time with everything this week.  So much to do logistically (this is just the stuff that we can't delegate to friends and family wanting to help), snapping at each other for stupid reasons and then crying about it right after.  Through all this we are still able to have fun.  Let me share a post my sister shared on Facebook as we were in the car last night.

I have been very touched by all the posts/e-mails/messages I am receiving and even more so for the one's that have given me specific accounts of how beautiful Elaine was to them in her interactions with them-these are keeping me going and help me focus on her life rather than her death.  I thank you for that.

I am also touched by stories of renewed faith as a result of my sharing.  What I intended to use as a grieving tool has been used by God is so many ways that I could not even think of.  It has allowed people to feel empowered to share about suicide awareness and to hear other people's stories of pain reminds me that Elaine was not alone in this illness.  All the more reason for her story to be shared.

Today was also our visit to the mortuary and I made decisions that I didn't think I would ever have to make for another 30 years if you had asked me about it last week.  I did a lot better than I thought, and I believe the decisions I made would have been honoring to Elaine.

We also visited several cemeteries and I broke down crying at the first one we stopped at.  I had an overwhelmed emotion of not knowing what I wanted in a cemetery.  This wasn't like buying a new car.  This wasn't like shopping around for new apartments.  With no time to prepare I felt like I was going in blind.  I am grateful my family was there to console me and reassure me that the people at the cemetery are trained to walk us through the whole process.  After our visits today, I feel as though this was the first day that I took actions towards letting go (my heart cries that I do not want to let go!)  I am living in the new normal, and it will be a long and tough journey.

I also learned today that the semicolon " ; " is the symbol of suicide awareness.  I am thinking of tattooing it but am not sure exactly where.  I feel like I need to do that so I have a permanent reminder of how I eventually healed from such a tragedy and also to keep me accountable to the cause of awareness.  The day that I can live a semi-normal life may be far off, but I know it will come eventually.

My sister profoundly said to me today, "Grief looks like laughing, doing something fun, and then breaking down.  And that's okay."


6 comments:

  1. HUGS
    You sharing this emotional journey is helping a lot of people you don't know. It is bringing awareness to those who also suffer from depression and what happens to the loved ones if they were to leave. Someone who is in the depressed state doesn't think of how big of an impact it will have on those left behind, this really help in seeing that.
    Thank you

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  2. Dear Paul,
    I learned of Elaine's passing yesterday. It took me a minute to connect which Elaine until I read "her husband, Paul," in the note... I met Elaine right before our church's Encounter retreat and my husband, Paul, and I met you a little over a month ago, right after the Fast. We were kind of huddled under the heating lamp as we had our portions of soup. Even in that short period of time I had known her, she holds a special place in my heart cause we had an immediate connection. We found it uncanny that we shared so many similarities - in the things we liked to eat, the things that made us chuckle/laugh, and even in the random things like having the same name and our husbands' names being the same. Maybe that explains why my heart was physically aching in the middle of the night yesterday. I ask myself how it is that I am so broken hearted by this news and I can't explain it in words. In the same light, I find myself exhaling cause the images of my memory of her is the biggest smiles that fought the inner pain. We'll see you Saturday at the memorial. Your circle of support extends far beyond your family and friends because the connection we all had with Elaine is another layer of reminder that she was surrounded by love from every direction. Our utmost condolences to you through this time and may the Lord protect and guard your heart, mind, and soul.

    Sincerely,
    Alayne and Paul

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  3. Paul, I really appreciate your blog. It's helping me to grieve Elaine and it also helps me to better understand my students who are struggling with depression. I think of you guys constantly and pray for you everyday.

    Pat Hsieh

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  4. Thank you for giving us a glimpse into the new normal that is your life.
    Truly, I appreciate the vulnerability and honesty.

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  5. I attend church of Southland and was also comforted by the community when my loved one passed away. Thank you Paul for bringing about awareness with mental illness and
    suicide. Something I was struggling with and misinformed myself. I heard Elaine's testimony -as she shared at the women's encounter retreat. My heart and prayers go out to you and your families.

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  6. I’m sorry to hear about Elaine’s passing. I also am facing a similar situation and having difficulty finding the strength to face the struggle. Your words are helping to find that strength, though, and I’m so thankful that you’ve taken the time to write them. God bless you and stay strong!

    Ronnie Hogan @ Sycamore Terrace Temecula

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