We had time to go around the room and share about our loved ones, and I could really feel the pain that everyone including myself was going through as we shared about our feelings of guilt, feelings of if we could have done something differently, as if there could have been a different outcome.
The topic of discussion for this week was the "Broken Brain." Now keep in mind, this does not mean that the person was deficient in any way, but there were physical parts of the brain that affected emotions that were not functioning as they would in a normal healthy brain. Much of the stigma around the taking of one's life or "death by suicide" is because of a lack of understanding and awareness. Much of what will be in this post has to do with the physical realities of the brain. Through it all I am starting to learn about what Elaine may have been feeling, but I don't think I could ever truly understand fully what she was going through.
Part of our time tonight was reviewing some of these truths:
Suicide is NOT...
...about love or a lack of love
...about religion or a lack of faith
...about morality or a lack of morality
...about logic or rational decisions
...a choice
...a selfish act
Suicide IS...
...an act born of desperation
...the only way to end the pain
...the result of a broken brain
...a sequence of actions they cannot stop
...an irrational act that appears as the only possible option
...a tragedy
We talked about how a broken brain is similar to a "brain cramp", in that much like a leg cramp, all you can experience is the pain right in that particular moment. It is because of that pain, that our loved ones feel they have no other choice but to end that pain. It stated in our handout, "Survivors [should] regard the act of suicide as a result of their loved one being hopelessly Immobilized by their mental/emotional pain, totally absorbed, trapped, inert, overwhelmed, without hope, and in desperate need of relief. Seeking relief in death does not translate into a wish to be dead, but rather as a need to be free of pain." Elaine did not desire death, yet desired to be free of the pain that I will probably not come to fully understand. But the mysteries of God are not for me to understand. And this helps me realize that me trying to figure out an answer to the question, "Why this happened?" is futile.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. Isaiah. 55:9
Another thing to remember is that suicide is not rational, but is rational to our loved ones in that moment of intense pain-it is the only way out. It defies logic, reason, and understanding from our perspective.
I do hope we continue to attend (unfortunately my sister will be back in TN when the next meeting occurs). Going through grief as a suicide survivor brings with it unique sets of hurts, guilts and feeling of "what-ifs" and it will be important to have this support as I continue my journey to healing and recovery.
I am weary-today I really only spent about 10 minutes in my distracted reality (refer to my previous post about the three realities). Much of today was spent in the logistical and actual realities. I pray for rest for my family and myself and for strength that comes only from our Lord so that we can continue to press on and get things done we need to get done. I need to continually pray and be in the word to find this strength that comes from Him.
My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word. Psalm 119:28
Tomorrow we begin the process at the mortuary and also will be looking at final resting places.
I will remember this statement: "Her life took her. Not the other way around."
Posts
Oh Paul... our hearts are breaking. Thank you for sharing as you go through the great and varied pain of a survivor. To a different extent, your friends and loved ones are going through it with you. More, still, who have experienced such pain in the past grieve with you, too. So as you write about your struggles and what you are learning, it helps many. God's light is shining through you - thank you. And may His arms of love surround you today and even more in days/years ahead.
ReplyDeleteI am reading and embracing every word you write. Thank you for your honesty and courage. Love you to pieces my friend.
ReplyDeleteDear Paul, I heard the news Monday morning and I'm still in shock/denial that she's no longer with us. It will probably hit me real hard when I attend the memorial service. Elaine share w me about her fight with depression 3 years ago and I really thought she was getting better, especially after watching 'e2beauty' video they posted. Ive always been so proud of her so hearing the news was heart breaking and confusing at the same time. I've been reading your posts over and over since yesterday and it has brought so much comfort and shed light into my soul. Thank you so much for your courage and honesty and I'm sure many people will find encouragement through your experince and find comfort through God's words. Im pretty sure I'll have no words to say when I see you on Saturday but just know that you and your family are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteSincerely, Elaine's friend-Esther
Hey Paul,
ReplyDeleteReading your blog is helping me unfold uncertainties and questions. I sometimes cannot believe you are the one actually writing this because it's almost as if you're comforting the readers.
It's helping me with the grieving process, and at times I find myself in the distracted reality too. "She's still here...she's down the street!" or "I"ll tell my kids that we'll see Tofu soon!"
I feel a sense of relief that she's no longer fighting the pain, and that she is with our Lord, free and liberated and even happier in Heaven. I feel her presence everywhere...I'd be more than happy to go to the Survivor's support group if you don't want to go alone.