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After the Storm

On February 17, 2017, my life and the life of those she loved changed forever.  My wife had been battling clinical depression and lost that ...

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

The Three Realities

I have been moving in between three different realities since her passing on Friday.  The logistical reality, the distracted reality, and the actual reality.

The first reality is the place where I am having to start thinking about logistics.  Logistics of getting things from the apartment.  Having to figure out when, who, and what will be at the memorial service. Working with Daniel and my bible study guys on making sure I can get accounts in order and helping to make sure the cremation to burial process goes smoothly.  These are all things that must be done and it could be easy to let these things fall by the wayside if I didn't have so much of my community surrounding me.

The second reality is what I call the distracted reality. This is where I play/teach a new board game to someone. Where I watch an episode of Battlestar Galactica. Watching a movie with the guys.  Where I am able to enjoy the ways in which I let go-to relieve stress-the things I might do after a hard day of work after coming home to Elaine and telling her about my day.  Anything that can and will take my mind off of things.

The third reality is the actual reality, where Elaine is no longer here. This is where I think about us and what we had together.  This is where my thoughts can run wild with how I could have changed what happened or what I could have done differently.  But this is also where I have been able to share and also hear stories of how beautiful Elaine's heart was here on Earth.  This is also the place where I am prayed for and I am reminded of God's love for all of us and how much he loves Elaine.

Sometimes these realities bleed into one another.  For example when trying to get things from the apartment (logistics reality) I garner up feelings about experiences I had with Elaine especially if there was a certain object that we shared a lot of time with such as the TV or the cast iron skillet that we cooked together on. (Actual realities).

I have difficulty as I transition from reality to reality and even broke down on the floor crying yesterday as I recalled a memory of a funny text I received from Elaine last week.  These moments I can't predict, and come and go without warning.

I also am encouraged by the members of my church who have been surrounding me.  Last night, they came over to eat, share feelings about the whole thing, and also come up with a game plan to practically help me take care of the logistical realities.  My sister shared with me this morning that this is truly the body of Christ being the body of Christ.  Not just a "We are praying for you" (not that prayers are not appreciated!), but an actual call to action.  I am truly grateful for my community.  And a miracle from God--my parents have two cats.  Three of the guys who have been surrounding and supporting me at my parents house have really bad allergies to cats.  None of them have experienced any symptoms whatsoever and they have been here hours at a time.  God knew that they needed to be here right now to help support me--it's the small things.

One last thing wanted to share about is about the church and suicide and what God's truths are about suicide.  As christains, many of us have an incorrect assumption about what happens to someone who takes their own life.  Suicide is a sin, and so a traditional viewpoint (not necessarily founded on scripture) is that a person who takes their own life cannot go to heaven.  This is due to the fact that they never would have an opportunity to repent for this sin.  However, we all have many sins in our life, and those who die natural deaths have sins they carry with them to the grave-sins they may or may not have been aware of.

Romans 8:38

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow--not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love.

I am sure that Elaine had a personal relationship with God through his son Jesus Christ.  He loved her so much and she loved him.  And not even her final act would separate her from him.  God's love was fully realized in her life when he took her home.


I continue to listen to "Come to the Altar" by Elevation worship.  One of Elaine's songs she listened to in her last weeks.  Listening to the lyrics, I can understand why she would take hold of this song.  I have overwhelming emotions as I listen to it, but I know it is important for my healing process. She had posted this image on her instagram in January.  I encourage those of you grieving Elaine to listen to this.







2 comments:

  1. I share in your grief and loss. Truly. Thank you for the song, it's blessing me already. With such realities and transitions being a challenge, I'm encouraged to hear you're finding comfort through your community. I love you dear friend. I'll definitely be your movie buddy. Sending a virtual hug your way.

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  2. There are so many misunderstandings when it comes to scripture and suicide but i think you are right that there is no sin so great that the blood of Jesus cant cover. praying for you and her family and loved ones.

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