Featured Post

After the Storm

On February 17, 2017, my life and the life of those she loved changed forever.  My wife had been battling clinical depression and lost that ...

Sunday, February 26, 2017

If only I could have...

I have as many of you have been struggling with "If only I could have..." in preventing what happened.  I feel the most responsible to have done something since I was closest to Elaine.  I was her husband.  I was supposed to be fully committed to her.  I was supposed to be the one she could turn to when she was feeling her lowest.  And I felt I had failed her.  Maybe I should have been nicer to her.  Should I have asked her about her day more?  Maybe we weren't moving fast enough on finding out about medication and treatment.  Did I miss a cue from her that she wanted help?  Was there something I overlooked?  These thoughts have been racing through my head constantly.  There were several things I said and did in her last weeks that looking back I wish I hadn't said and done--maybe this could have changed her course of action.

However, I have come to the realization that by me thinking that I could have changed things, it's almost as if I am trying to play God.  As if I had some divine power over the outcome of everything.  As If I had power over Elaine.  But I'm not God.  I don't have any divine powers coming from my own strength.  I didn't have power over Elaine's final moments.  I could not love Elaine enough to match the love that God had for her.  I have come to a place where I realize I couldn't have controlled the outcome.  Even though I had a difficult time getting there, it has lifted a heavy burden off of my heart.  For me, this verse is bringing me comfort:

28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30

We don't have to be burdened by our guilt anymore.  It was never our place to be able to change things.  Ultimately, it was Elaine's time to come home.  Into the Father's arms-one who could love Elaine utterly and completely.  What matters now is that we no longer dwell on the guilt, but focus on her legacy of love.




My hope for you is that you can come to a similar place of understanding and peace, in your own time of grieving, as we all continue to heal.  I believe it was God's plan and will for her to leave us, as painful as that still is for me to accept as I remember the memories we shared together and the plans we had made for our future.  In this life, I may never fully understand the timing of her death, but I continue to be encouraged by the stories people share with me about how Elaine touched lives, how selfless she was, and how much she is impacting people beyond her life here on Earth.  Many of you have shared with me how you have been motivated to action and I look forward to hearing more stories about how her life is transforming yours.

1 comment:

  1. I don't mean to sound cheesy but you write like you're preaching the Gospel literally. It touches my soul! Not just the heart, but deep deep down into the depth of one's heart, which is the soul, and it's also soothing at the same time. The Gospel.

    I know she would be sooooooo proud of you! I feel like this is what she'd want you to do. I'm sure of it. I love it!

    And you're right. There's so many scenarios we can think of what we could have said differently or done things differently. You know, Elaine adored you so much. She'd always talk about how WONDERFUL AND AMAZING you were to her...as if it was undeserved. To me, that sounded kind of like the love Christ has for us.

    oh I wish she was here too. I miss her so much...I'll never understand your pain right now but please don't be discouraged! You got a whole choir right behind you while you preach!

    Thank you for writing and sharing your thoughts :)

    ReplyDelete