Good Days and Hard Days

People have been telling me that there are going to be good days and then really hard days.  Today was a really hard day.  I had a lot of emotions well up with me today.  Feelings of frustration over finances and how I am going to deal with a different amount of income moving forward.  Feeling of abandonment.  Feelings about how for many people, life is continuing to go on, where for me and those close to Elaine, we are still grieving, and it will be a long road for us.  Wondering about my future and what I want to do with my time that I have been given to heal.  Wondering about my future family life and if I will ever find someone again, and the subsequent guilt I have after I have those thoughts (even though people tell me this is normal).  I constantly am thinking about her and wondering if this is still all real--I keep moving into denial states and back out again when I realize it is in fact real.  I am finding it hard to focus in social situations when people are having conversations with one another, I drift off and start thinking of her and the past-some positive memories and some guilty feelings about what could have been done (I am human and I still have these feelings even though I know God was in complete control).  I get anxious in these social situations and want to remove myself from them quickly.

I started day one of the curriculum I am going through with my church and it talks about really relying on God on the day to day and not worrying about the future.  Not worrying about the details of everything that will happen in the future and trusting that God's got my back day by day.  I just need to worry about what he has for me to do in that given day.  Being present in God's moment, so to speak.  This has given me some comfort and I look forward to what that experience will be like as I try to stick to focusing on the day to day walk with Him.

Someone who had been reading my blog put it so well in their sympathy card-they said that there is a 4th reality, God's Reality (See my previous post: Three Realities).  I feel like God's reality is the reality I want to strive to be.  It's a reality where not only the three come together, but is the only reality that I enter into.  Not worrying about the logistics of things in the future-being able to be open to what God has for us in our daily lives.  What choices can we make today that are in line with what God's has for us to do?  Being able to discern God's will for us day by day-easier said than done for me right now. 

I am the vine; you are the branches.  If a man remains in me, and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me, you can do nothing.  John 15:5

I feel that this verse really spoke to how I was feeling today and God wants to remind me to not worry about the details of the future but to really rely on him day by day and remain in him.

Wanted to leave you with this:

I received a text from a coworker today with a link to a song that I had really liked listening to this past month or so.  Many of the lyrics are very fitting for what I am going through right now.  In particular these words: 

"I know you're good, but this don't feel good right now."