Fruits and Flowers

So Thursday would have been our four year anniversary.  It was also the day we picked up Elaine's cremains.  It was difficult to say the least to see and hold the urn that she was placed in.  We then took her cremains to the cemetery where they will hold her until her burial in a few weeks.  God wanted to ease off a burden as well and softened the funeral director's heart-he waived the $400 charge for having a funeral on a Saturday.  We also were able to visit Elaine's future grave site so I could show my best man and maid of honor (Elaine's cousin) where it was and what it looked like.  I had seen it last Friday when we came to the cemetery to make a final decision and the tree had been barren.  In between then, flowers had already started blooming.  Pink and purple flowers-Elaine had once colored her hair half pink and half purple.  Traditionally, fruits and flowers are the gift of choice for a four year anniversary.  In some small way, I feel like God was using those flowers to comfort me--assure me that not only did he care deeply about our marriage together, but also that life will be springing forth from Elaine's death.  Although the tree was not in full bloom, life was already starting to happen.

I have also been getting a lot of support with people really speaking to my broken heart.  In my feelings of inadequacy as a husband and feeling as though I didn't love her enough, or do enough for her.  People have reassured me of the ways in which she talked about me and how she did feel my love and adoration for her.  One friend told me how excited she was in her conversations with her, to be receiving a fruit bouquet from Edible Arrangements for our four year anniversary (Fruits and Flowers :) )  This not only reassured me of her love for me, but also reminded me about how destructive depression can be-how it distorts the truth and joy that one has in their relationships.

I haven't had any dreams whatsoever since her passing, until last night.  I vividly dreamed that Elaine was with me in a house--she was her happy joyful self, much like she was before the depression took hold of her life.  I don't remember the content of what she was saying, but I remember she was happy and at peace.  I remember at the end of the dream that without letting me know she was leaving, she walked towards a table in the room and then disappeared--this is when I woke up.  I am thinking that the table is the Lord's table, and God placed this dream in my mind last night to reassure me and bring me more peace that she is now at His table, completely free from all pain, and in the presence of our Father's love.

Please also continue to look for ways in which you can bring awareness to depression and suicide.  I wanted to include a link to a walk in which her good friends from London when she studied abroad will be participating in.  They need to fund raise but if anyone would also like to join their team, "Flowers for Elaine" that would be welcome as well.

Flowers for Elaine Overnight Walk