Community

Yesterday was a very difficult day.  It was the day of Elaine's cremation (I chose not to witness it) and I had a lot of lonely feelings well up.  It all hit me that I wouldn't be able to spend any more quality time with her.  No making dinner and watching a movie on our TV.  No random drives to a new restaurant we wanted to check out.  No more experiences would I have with her on this earth.  I feel like the cremation may have been symbolic in a way, that the earthly things we had together will be no more.  I come to realize that these moments of sadness are going to be a part of my life, but as time goes on, I hope they won't be as paralyzing, and in fact will remain as positive experiences.  I also am learning that it is completely okay to have these feelings and emotions and its important to keep those I love close to me, especially during these difficult times.

Elaine (right) with her business partner (left).  Elaine loved listening to music!  This pic captures that fact so well.

I continue to be encouraged by those who have been messaging me about Elaine's life and/or their motivation into action for awareness of depression and suicide.  I must admit, I still don't know a whole lot about depression and I don't pretend to either.  All I have are my experiences so far.  It's a difficult thing and looks different from individual to individual.  I suspect the church (meaning the American Christian Church) as a whole has also not done a great job of addressing mental illness and I feel like part of my journey will be involved with helping restore that type of ministry.  God calls us to love our neighbor, even ones with mental illness and struggles, the ones that may be hardest to reach.

I would ask for your continued prayers for me as time passes that I will continue to heal and be focused on moving forward.  I am taking things day by day and am getting practical things done day by day.  My dad said it well, that I should try to take care of one major thing each day (breaking the lease, cancelling insurance, making a big decision, etc.).  It is helping when I pace things out and know that it's okay to not rush things.

I have also felt the love of Christ in my community.  My bible study group has been so supportive of me.  They have not only prayed for me but have brought meals, they have accompanied me when I had to take care of some difficult logistical needs, they have moved things out of my apartment for me.  They are living out the church as God wants us to live it out.  And I know many have been inspired by this as well.  I also received many cards recently from staff, students, and parents and feel so well supported from my family at work.  For those going through any type of grieving, it is important to make sure you remain in some sort of community in order to healthily heal.

My sister sent a link to a new song I haven't heard yet.  So much of the music I have been exposing myself to recently has really spoken specifically to me in my situation.  It has been a huge part of my healing process.  I realize that God may yet have a purpose for me in using my gifts of music.  I have been distracted the past few years and have let those gifts fall by the wayside.  I want to strive to change that.

"This was the one thing you didn't see coming..."